the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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