I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
