Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I have post one night stand depression
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
