My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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