i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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