I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
