AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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