i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
