Dude my mom stole all your condoms
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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