yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
