If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
