Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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