take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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