I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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