i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
