Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
