I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
