I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
