I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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