Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
