oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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