i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
