Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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