you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He told me they were just razor bumps!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
