Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
