I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
