Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
