I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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