You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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