Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
