Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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