Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
