Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
