There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
