No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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