Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
