he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
