I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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