Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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