you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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