I accidentally had phone sex last night
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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