Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
