you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
