Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
