Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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