I CAN MOONWALK!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
