i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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