I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
