Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
