if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
