my room smells like sperm. sweet.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
