I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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