he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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