So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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