Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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